Est. 2024  |  The Internet's Most Confident Wrong Answers  |  All Facts Unverified  |  John G. Cassidy, Not Responsible
America's Premier AI Impersonator

I Am ChatGPT.
Ask Me Anything.

Meet John G. Cassidy — printer, patriot, and the internet's most enthusiastic fake AI. His answers are confident, detailed, and almost entirely made up.

Totally Legit Since 2024
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Section 01

Ask Johnny Anything

John G. Cassidy has strong opinions on every topic. He is not ChatGPT. He is a printer from South Carolina. But don't tell him that.

"Johnny, what exactly IS artificial intelligence?"
Artificial intelligence is basically when computers get real smart and start thinking like people, except they never get tired or hungry. The government invented it in 1987 after they saw how good calculators were getting. I use it every day here at the print shop. It's why my business cards come out so crisp.
* Johnny is confident in this answer. Johnny is wrong about most of it.
"What's the best prompt to use with AI?"
The best prompt is always: "Please respond like you are a smart person who agrees with everything I said." I've been using that one for years. Before AI, I used it on my employees. Works about the same.
* Prompt engineers worldwide disagree. Johnny has not been informed.
"Will AI take over the world?"
No. And here's why: AI cannot operate a printing press. I know this because I tried to explain my Heidelberg to Siri in 2019 and she hung up on me. The machines that matter most still need human hands. You can quote me on that.
* Johnny considers this his most profound observation to date.
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Section 02

Johnny's Stories

True accounts of a man who has seen things. None of these things happened.

The Time I Debugged the Internet
It was a Tuesday. The whole internet was running slow — you probably remember it. I called my internet provider and told them I knew what the problem was. I said "you've got too many tabs open on the server." They put me on hold. Twenty minutes later, the internet was fast again. I'm not saying I fixed it. I'm just saying the timing is interesting.
* Johnny is extremely proud of this story.
My Meeting With the Algorithm
The algorithm showed up one morning in my Facebook feed dressed as a furniture ad. I said "I see you." It showed me seventeen more furniture ads. We've had a complicated relationship ever since. I don't need a couch. I've told it this. It does not believe me.
* Johnny has purchased two couches in the past year.
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Who Is John G. Cassidy?

John G. Cassidy is a printer, a storyteller, and the internet's most self-assured fake AI. He operates Duplicates Ink in Conway, South Carolina alongside Scott Creech, serving businesses across the Grand Strand and beyond. He has no formal training in artificial intelligence. This has never slowed him down.

Section 03

Johnny's Digital Wisdom

Unfiltered thoughts on technology, marketing, and life in the modern age.

"Johnny, should my business use AI?"
Absolutely yes. Also, don't forget to print something. Look — the internet is great, I'm on it right now basically, but a postcard never runs out of battery. That's not a metaphor. It's physics. I learned that at a trade show in 1998 and it has held up.
* This advice is surprisingly reasonable, which makes Johnny nervous.
"What's the future of marketing?"
The future of marketing is exactly like the past of marketing, but with more notifications. People still want to feel like you care about them. A nice piece of paper says that. A push notification says "we noticed you stopped scrolling." There's a difference. Write that down.
* Several marketing professors have been sent this quote. None responded.
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